


Addicted to you

by LooIsHere



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Dancer AU, Kibastian, M/M, alternative universe, architect au, simi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-23 01:30:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4858058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LooIsHere/pseuds/LooIsHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is like an addiction. You think you are different, you think it won't do you any damage. Until this one day, when it is already too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Addicted to you

                At first, he can't tear his eyes off him. Sebastian is laughing, he's across the room, a glass of champagne in his hand, he's talking casually. Everyone wants to talk to him, and Kimi isn't different from anybody else. But in a quick glance, Sebastian sees him and starts watching him. Kimi is the one who drew the edifice and helped building it. He's here to participate at the official opening of the building, not to have an affair with the main dancer. A few people wanted to talk to him; the ones who saw him cut the red ribbon while pictures were taken, but most of them don't know who he is, and now he is out. He needs to stay far from him, they don't belong to the same world.

  
                Tonight he can't make the decision to leave Sebastian's tight embrace. They spend the night together again. Not a week ago he was beyond reach, yet tonight he is into Kimi's arms again, gritting his teeth and moaning again. Not a week ago it was all about lust, yet tonight going back home is tearing him apart. Kimi knew he fell again. He swore he would never fall in love again, yet here he is, aching, ready to drown in his blue eyes again, and again, and again.

  
                Then Sebastian is on stage again, performing perfectly like he always does, and Kimi is standing there in the back of the room. He's looking at him; everyone would think he's just looking cold, but Sebastian knows better. Sebastian knows he's there, watching him, he knows what flows in his veins when he's in front of him. He knows it shouldn't have been this way, he knows they both were caught by surprise, he knows it seeped in faster than it should have. Sebastian knows everything of it because he feels it too, burning, scorching hot in his veins, making his heart race like it is the best of the drugs. He's addicted to him.

  
                But now he's killing Kimi slowly with his cries. He's clawing at his back, his lips are red from all the kissing, and he can't breathe because love is crushing his lungs. But the Finn is in the same state, slowly consuming from the inside, day after day, night after night, unable, unwilling to stop. He makes love to Sebastian like tomorrow doesn't exist, in order to be one with him, to share his most intimate, vulnerable sides, because he can't deny it anymore, he can't hide it anymore, not even to himself. He loves him with ardent passion. The more he whispers his name, the stronger he falls but it's worth it, because all the time they spend together lets them in a peaceful, sated, comfortable haze that they wish would never disappear, that Kimi hadn't felt for way too long.

  
                Coming from nowhere, one night, the words slip from his lips in a tiny, barely audible whisper that Sebastian still catches, and he could almost feel tears forming in his eyes, so he swallows and holds tighter, telling him how much he loves him too. A touch, a hug, a kiss, and they're bound by love again. Kimi had never understood it. "All that fuss for nothing" he used to say, but now he enjoys those nothings and the way not a single thing could bring him what he truly wants, what he truly needs that Sebastian gives him.  
                He doesn't know how it happened, but it's been months now, and they don't spend a night without each other. At first Kimi went back to his apartment, he wanted nothing more, but now every night he spends far from him are sleepless. He tried, of course, but his works suffered from the lack of sleep, they became a huge, blurry mess, a clutter of dirty lines and anaesthetic perspectives. So he stopped spending his time away from Sebastian, he stopped pretending he was nothing more than a one night stand.

  
                Sebastian always had this tendency to become attached to people way too easily, he always was one for tenderness and love, for passion and desire. Those nights, he was restless, his chest hurting with the pain this loneliness brought him. He knows he can't stand being left behind, when he was alone he thought he'd go insane, but now Kimi is here every night, and Sebastian takes care of him, he cooks for both of them, he gives him massages, and in return Kimi takes care of Sebastian the way he knows will please him; he caresses him, cuddles with him and makes love to him until he is exhausted and asks for some sleep.

  
                Tonight they went to the restaurant and had a romantic dinner together, only the two of them, not with some co-worker or choreographer. Now they are in Sebastian's apartment, and Kimi is dragged in the middle of the living room, he's laughing and maybe he is a little bit drunk, and the German lets go of his hand and starts dancing, kicking his shoes and making large, long, graceful moves with his arms and legs, careful not to knock over anything, most of all not his beloved antique vases that Kimi finds so ugly.  He opens the window before starting to dance again, and the small wind that comes in brings his perfume to Kimi. He loves it, even more in the morning, the week end, when Sebastian is up way before him and he can bury his nose in his pillow, enjoy the familiar, comforting scent of his lover.

  
                Today is not different from the other Saturdays they spent together; Sebastian wakes Kimi because it's already late and he is hungry, and lunch is ready, and as always he is brought in bed by the blonde, which laughs a bit before kissing him gently, and here he is again, fighting to have the Finn up. Before he leaves the bed, Kimi asks "Do you love me ?" And Sebastian nods and kisses him. "I do. I love you Kimi." Kimi knows he shouldn't, and he knows his own words should have never existed.. "I love you too, Sebastian." But they do. They fell in love, and he is happy about everything it implies.

* * *

 

  
                Then it is the opening of a new edifice, and Sebastian is by his side. It has been a few more months now, and they live together. Kimi cuts the golden ribbon with the owner of this brand new, modern building, and he feels the presence of Sebastian behind him, he can see him from the corner of his eye when he shakes the owner's hand in front of the cameras, and he is aware that Sebastian knows that he wants to make love to him in there to properly inaugurate it. But Sebastian has to dance today for this opening, so they won't have the time until the evening. Kimi asks for a minute and disappears from the crowded area a few seconds, in order to speak to his lover in the backstage, and he ends up kissing him and telling him how much he wants him, hypnotised again by his delightful perfume.

  
                Only the call of duty tears them apart, leaving the architect in a half aroused yet comfortable state, and now he has to attend to this gathering of mundane and social people who want to ask him how the idea of the building came to him, why he drew it like this and how many did it cost. A few people even tell him that they could give their body for him to build, subtly saying that they wouldn't refuse a night in his bed and of course he thought about saying yes, but he doesn't need it for he has Sebastian who gives him his body every night with what none of them can give him; his love.

                "How do you feel ?" Kimi asks in Sebastian's ear after his show, his hot breath driving him crazy. He knows he is tired, he saw his performance  and now he's here to claim his dues, to finally 'properly' inaugurate the building. "Hot." And Kimi laughs, trying to think about a room where nobody would find them. "What if someone wanted to talk to me ?" Sebastian is not quite disconnected yet. "There's the number of your agent in the hall." He whispers again, dragging him in a carpeted room, "And he's here to tell everyone you had a plane to take." Sebastian is ground against and he moans. "Are you the one who's going to take me on cloud nine ?" The Finn answers that he is and undresses him, ready to oblige to his lover's desires.

                A few days went by, and Kimi wakes up when the plane is landing. Sebastian's leg is bouncing nervously and Kimi notices it but says nothing about it. He knows it is important for him, but it is even more for the German, he wants to look perfect, to act perfectly. It is him who agreed to meet Kimi's parents, and here he is, worrying he won't succeed in proving he is worthy. "I wouldn't love you if you weren't" Kimi repeats, but he isn't listening, too busy trying to calm his racing heart now that they are at the front door. Matti is the one who opens the door, and Sebastian swallows hard, his throat dry. He remembers asking tons of questions to the blonde when the plane took off. "Is it okay for me to speak English ? Won't they be offended ? Are they okay with me being a man ? Wait, do they know I'm a man ? They won't kick me out if something is wrong anyway right ? What if they don't like me ?"

                Paula arrives before Sebastian can say anything and she hugs Kimi tightly, shoving Matti in her wake, happily saying things in Finnish that he doesn't understand. He looks at Kimi's father and this one is smiling, shrugging to her wife. He declares that she really is a mother hen and chuckles,  his voice carrying a strong accent, sounding like Kimi's. Sebastian grins and nods. He already seems to appreciate him; he likes his voice, deeper than his son, reassuring. He feels safe around him, he feels welcomed. Suddenly, Paula is in front of him and beams. "Sebastian !" She hugs him too, and he hesitates before hugging her back, laughing gently. But then Kimi says something and she lets him go, answering something in the same tone to her son and going back in the house, taking his father with her. The German looks at him questioningly. "She said that we can never be affective in this house." Sebastian smiles again.  "I really like them." Kimi kisses him. "They really like you."

                "My father speaks English, but my mother has more difficulties. I'll translate for you." Whispers the blonde while caressing the brown strands of the head on his chest. It's late and they didn't have the opportunity to talk a lot with Kimi's parents. They just cuddle in bed, Sebastian humming non-answers as he dozes off to the Finn's sweet nothings. He wakes up before Kimi and stays near him to enjoy his warmth, and they stay in bed late. When they are finally up, Paula scowls his son, and Matti tells him that Kimi have always been a heavy sleeper. "He still is." They spend the day talking about Sebastian and what he does, his family and his life in Germany when he's not touring with Kimi in England. His career was individual a few years ago, but when he met the architect he soon became the artist that accompanied him. Now, a lot of agents ask him to sign with them, but when a contract ends he takes the one that enables him to perform at every opening of his buildings, the one that lets him some freedom, the one of these that pays the most.

 

* * *

 

                Kimi loves him almost every night, he tries his best to give Sebastian everything he has. He works hard for what he likes to do and sometimes Sebastian is amazed by how skilled he is, and Kimi always laughs because he thinks the dancer is way better at what he does than he is in his domain. Sometimes he just watches him dance discreetly in the apartment as he works. He watches him cook and sway to an imaginary melody, he watches him dance with some music in his earphones when he gets dressed, he watches him move with grace and hum in the living room after he turned the volume of the hi-fi up. He feels home whenever Sebastian is happy by his side.

                This evening Sebastian is a bit more than tipsy, and he loves him longer than the other days. He loves him everywhere in his apartment, wherever he can grab for support. Kimi dropped his blueprints to make love to him, and he knows he will be late on his works, but he doesn't care. This evening everything he wants is Sebastian, everything that matters is Sebastian. Sebastian and his lovely face. Sebastian and his loveable voice. Sebastian and his cute smile. Sebastian and his wonderful body. Sebastian and his deep blue eyes. This evening, Kimi is dedicated to him.

                Despite waking earlier than him the German stays in bed and keeps on admiring Kimi's resting features; his smooth, thin lips, his sharp but cute nose, his short blond lashes. He can't stop his hand to come and slide on his cheek in a gentle caress. The Finn breathes deeper and his lids open slowly, his green eyes finding Sebastian's blue ones, and without thinking about it a single word escapes the German. "What did you say ?" Kimi whispers softly, shuddering to the soft touch. Sebastian smiles. "Addiction." The word comes out again. He needs him in his life. He can't live without him. Just like a drug. He can't stop it, it's out of control. "I'm addicted to you."

 

* * *

 

                Months flew like days and here they are again at Sebastian's parent's. Every time they found themselves in Germany they go and visit his parents. They like seeing Sebastian so happy and blooming and are always glad to have their son and his man -who they consider like another son- home. They sometimes fly to Finland to visit Kimi's parents, and often they tell them that time isn't stopping and that they wouldn't say no to a granddaughter or a grandson, and Sebastian laughs, saying that they are still young. In bed, he says that getting married could be a good idea, he says that they could think about adopting.

                "Stargazing ?" Sebastian nods to a sceptical Finn. "We're in December." He nods again and explains that he wants to see northern lights, or at least just watch the stars without the light pollution they have in England. Kimi wants to protest but the dancer has that small pout that makes him want to kiss it from his face, so he agrees and they climb in the rental car, driving north in order to find somewhere to be quiet, where the sky would be cloudless. He insisted and convinced Kimi to take some pillows, and they wiped the snow off a rock to sit on it. Sebastian is shivering and snuggling closely to the Finn, but this one can tell he's happy like a child seeing snow for the first time. They see northern lights early in the night and Sebastian is enthralled, amazed, excited just like a child.

                Then they make love in the car before heading back to Espoo and Kimi keeps on whispering i-love-yous in Sebastian's ear because he knows that drives him crazy. He knows that he couldn't be with anyone else, and if he believed in soul mates he would have probably said that Sebastian was his. They complete each other, they truly are one when they are together and the same feeling of missing something fills them when they are far from one another. Sebastian knows how to relish every whisper, every amorous word Kimi says because he knows that these tiny sentences are only spoken when he fully, sincerely feels love burning inside him, pouring from his heart like liquid  fire. These are the time when he knows Sebastian is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

                "Do you believe in Heaven ?" Sebastian's mind is drifting. "Yeah." Kimi is starting to doze off. "Do you think we'll go to Heaven ?" Kimi breathes deeply. "No." "But why ?" Sebastian seems confused. "I'm already in Heaven." The Finn's eyes are still closed but he can tell that the other man is smiling. "I love you." His heart is beating faster to those sweet words."I love you too, Sebastian. I love you too."

 

* * *

 

                Kimi is taking him on a date. They are eating in a well-known restaurant for once, one where they know Sebastian might be recognised, but still they go. Some people pick him out, and they politely tell him where they saw him and how they appreciated what he did. The architect knows the German is a bit embarrassed, and he notices the way his cheeks are pinkish, his shyness towards compliments now obvious. Kimi has always been amazed by the way he can dance alone during more than one hour in front of a full auditorium but still be kind of bashful when he meets people that know him. When the dinner is finished, they take a walk in a nearby park and end up coming out to a vantage point on the city. Sebastian is excited about the view and watches the lights of the town in the night, but when he tries to grab his lover's hand, he notices he's not right next to him like he usually is. "Kimi ?"

                When he turns around, Kimi has a knee on the ground and extends his hand for Sebastian to take. "Sebastian. Will you marry me ?" The German's heart is about to explode. Tears are filling his eyes. The first thing he says is unclear, he's sniffing and trying to blink the tears away and his voice is trembling, so he breathes deeply and repeats it. "Yes. Of course, oh my God yes." He's half-crying and half-laughing, his vision still blurry, teardrops he couldn't hold in rolling on his cheeks like diamonds. And he sees his soon-to-be-husband slip his hand in his inside pocket, pulling an engagement ring out from there, before gently putting it on Sebastian's finger and kissing his hand. Kimi stands up and the dancer doesn't waste a second before wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him with all his passion. His heart is beating so fast and so hard he thinks Kimi can hear and feel it. "Don't you want to know what it looks like ?" He chuckles when his lips are finally released. Sebastian steps back and raises his left hand, admiring the piece of jewellery; it is a white gold double ring crossing on top of the finger, the lower part taking a flat rectangular shape while the upper part is round like an ordinary ring. "Sublime." The Finn is the one to kiss him this time. "Glad you like it. I love you Sebastian."

                Kimi makes love to Sebastian all night until his voice is dying after saying he loved him again and again, until his head is spinning with pleasure, until his whole body is burning with love, until he feels completely united with Kimi, as if their souls were bonding together. Sebastian calls his parents in the morning and he's just like a child; he's excited and sometimes just on the verge to cry, he looks at the ring endlessly and then at his lover with the most heart-warming, tender smile the Finn had ever seen. "They want to say hi." Sebastian hands him the phone, and Kimi is showered with high-pitched thanks and words filled with emotion. "Take care of him." Says his mother, and he can't fight a bright smile to stretch his lips. "I will, Heike, I will." When Sebastian hangs up, he asks him if he doesn't want to call his parents. "They know." He explains that he told them the day they went stargazing, and the German pouts. The Finn raises from the table and kisses the pout away. "If I were you I'd be happy, because you're mine now. Soon, you'll be mine officially. Forever."

 

* * *

 

                It has been about a month since Kimi proposed. Earlier this night he said that he had to attend to an important meeting and Sebastian agreed; now he is waiting for him, cooking dinner for both of them, the table already set, listening to his favourite music in his earphones, somewhat waiting for him to surprise him when he returns. He feels good, they already started to plan the wedding, and Sebastian can't help but want to speed the time to live this day. He thinks -no he knows- that Kimi is the one. He knows he fell harder for him than he ever did for anyone else.

                Soon enough everything is ready and Sebastian heads for the bedroom, spreading rose petals on the bed and letting them fall behind him to trace a path to the dining room. He wants the evening to be perfect for Kimi. But an unpleasant shudder runs down his spine when he is back in the kitchen, and he mechanically looks at his watch. He should have been here by now. Maybe this meeting is longer than expected, so he calls to see if he can persuade him to leave earlier and to hurry back home. He dials the number he knows by heart now and waits. "Kimi ?"

                The policeman coughs. The heavy, thick smoke coming from both the cars seemingly doesn't want to dissipate faster. A man is laying unconscious at his feet, glass fragments cutting through skin in red raw spots, his face bloody and bleeding, his short blonde hair starting to get red. He calls one of the medics to take care of him. He's alive. The policeman nods and searches his pocket to find anything that could help him know his identity, finding a wallet and phone. He scrolls through the contact list and can't sort out his member family. He is staring desperately at the wallet when the cell buzzes, and a name with tiny heart in the end comes up. "Sebastian ?"

                Goose bump raise on the German's skin. "Where is Kimi ?" The policeman looks at the ID in the wallet. "He is right beside me." He frowns. "Is everything alright ?" The man on the other side takes time to answer and that doesn't please him. "Can I talk to him ?" The policeman sighs. "Not now."Something is wrong.  His heart beats faster with every word the person on the other side says . "Is he okay ?" The man in blue breathes deeply. He wish he could tell him. "Who are you to this person ?" "Sorry ?" He's starting to get angry and worried. "Who am I for Kimi ? Who are you ? I'm his fiancé ! Is he okay ?" He is starting to lose patience. "There was a collision. He was in a car crash." Suddenly Sebastian panics. "Tell me how he is !" He feels bad. "He is unconscious right now. Don't worry, our medics are taking care of him at the moment we sp.." "Where is he taken ?"

                Not half an hour after, Sebastian is almost running out of his car. He is rushing. He wants to see him. He has to explain why he visits and the waiting is endless. When he is finally authorized, he takes the elevator up in order to reach Kimi's room. When he sees the number on the wood panel, his eyes are stinging. 507. He enters the room without a noise and he can't help a loud gasp to escape him when he sees him. Anxiety comes back. A doctor is stepping in behind Sebastian and asks him how he feels. A severe pain stabs his stomach and he feels nauseous. The man helps him to the bathroom, where he staggers before collapsing on his knees and throwing up. He coughs and now feels heavy tears rolling down his cheeks. He feels weak. He feels powerless. He is useless, he can't help him now. His stomach churns and he throws up again. But then he stands up and wipes his face, flushing the toilets and steadying his legs before going back into the room.

                The doctor is still here. "Don't push him around." "Is he.." Sebastian's throat is closed. "He's in a coma. We still don't know if he will wake up, we need more time to venture an hypothesis on his.. state." Sebastian sits in a chair next to the bed and takes Kimi's hand, holding it tight while he cries, his tears soaking the short nailed hand. He isn't tough. He can't handle this "Kimi." He moans in pain and fear. "Please don't leave." He's half-whispering, half-sobbing again and he clutches at his hand tighter. He bits his lip and blinks away his tears, raising and ever so gently and tenderly putting a kiss on his forehead and on his cheek. He doesn't notice the drops slipping on his cheeks until one comes crashing on Kimi's. "Please."

                When he wakes up, his fingers are still in his, his head still resting against his thigh. He didn't move at all. He is asked if he has family, and Sebastian says he will call them. Matti is tough. He says they are taking the first plane and coming as fast as they can. Sebastian doesn't want to eat. He isn't hungry, he isn't thirsty. He is shocked, he is upset. He tries to hold back his sorrow, but he spends his day crying instead. Crying and saying over and over that he loves him. Kimi's usual cold hands have never felt this cold, this odd, as if they weren't his, now that they are not moving, him who couldn't stop touching, drawing and designing. Only when Paula calls he realises how he feels. He feels empty. He feels like a piece of him is missing. He feels alone.

                His eyes are red when the two Finns enter the room. He doesn't sleep much at night and cries all day until he has nothing left to cry. Matti looks beaten, him who usually has a powerful protective image. Paula tries to stay strong but Sebastian knows that deep inside she wants to hug him tight and tell him to wake up, tell him that everything would be okay. "Are you okay ?" Matti's accented voice comes to him. The German's heart clench when he hears this voice, resembling yet different. Kimi's father might see his distress as he takes him in his arms, reassuring him like a father  to a son, and Sebastian fail to hold back his tears and he cries again, not really feeling the arms around him because he senses are too numb. He's on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

 

* * *

 

                "We  won't leave until Kimi awakes." Paula looks at the ring Sebastian is wearing. She knows she can't even imagine the pain he might be going through. He tries to build a shell around him when they are here, but she heard him sob quietly when they left the day before. She sees the way his eyes are always red, even the days he says that he is doing fine. She knows he's lying to them when he tells them that he knows he will wake up, but she also knows he's lying to himself too. She's aware of all this because she is doing the same; when she tells Matti everything is fine, when she answers to Sebastian that she knows he will wake up too. The only thing that is different is that Sebastian thinks every words he says because he is hiding what he truly feels to himself. She knows he will collapse if he doesn't.

                "Kimi.." Sebastian whispers close to his face, his hands caressing his face and hair. He looks like he is sleeping. He looks peaceful. The German doesn't hear the door opening. "I love you. I love you so much, Kimi." He puts a kiss on his forehead and sits again, holding his hand in his. He is startled to see Paula and Matti here and he feels himself blushing as he hurriedly wipes his wet eyes. "Huh.. Sorry.. I.." Paula smiles and tells him it's okay. A spark of happiness shines in her eyes. Sebastian sincerely loves him with all he has. She remembers how happy Kimi was when he told them he would ask Sebastian to marry him. They never saw him nervous in his life, not a single day, but this time he was so apprehensive both her and his father were concerned.

                Matti spoke with the doctors. It has been two months now. He was told that the probability for Kimi to wake up again was close to none. No progress were made; his brain was too damaged. They could keep on waiting, the medic says, miracles sometimes happen, but he doesn't think there is anything more to do. Kimi's father nods and says that he understands. He calls Paula out of the room, they tell Sebastian they are taking a walk and they head out to speak. It is her who cries the most this day. She doesn't want to hear what Matti says. She doesn't want to believe it. She makes him promise he won't tell Sebastian. Not yet. The German is patiently waiting; he knows there is nothing else to do. Now it is him who looks bad. He lost weight, he cancelled every show he had and told his agent he would be out for quite some time. He smiles sometimes to the people he considers as his second family, but even he doesn't believe in this smile. It's soon getting dark and even if he doesn't want to sleep, weariness seeps in him slowly as he caresses Kimi's hand. "Where are you ?"

 

                _Light is blinding. He doesn't know where he is. He remembers driving in the night, how can it be so bright ? He blinks a few times and his vision gets used to the light. He is in the middle of nowhere. Everything is blindingly white, yet everything seems smooth and peaceful. He doesn't recognise anything. He isn't in his car anymore. He doesn't even know where he is. "Sebastian ?" His voice echoes slightly. Is he dreaming ? His head hurts, and when he touches his hair, his hand comes back bloody and sticky. He looks down at himself. Some of his clothes are torn, he is dirty, he is bruised, he is injured and bleeding. An unpleasant, cold shiver runs down his back. Is he..Dead ? He walks around a bit. His entire body is hurting, but at the same time everything in him is numb. He doesn't understand._

                "Please come back." Sebastian is still here. Always. He had stopped crying. His raw pain has recessed into a deep sorrow and bitter regrets. "Don't leave me. I need you." Every time he sees the ring on his finger he feels like being stabbed in the heart. He never lets go of his hand. It is the only thing that bonds Kimi to him now that he is in coma. A now month had passed. One day, Sebastian takes his phone and call a woman. When he hangs up, he knows he is about to cry for a long time again. He cancelled the booking of the beautiful house in which they were going to marry in three months. He is falling apart. His world is shattering without Kimi. His world is revolving around Kimi. He can't live without him.

 

                _He hears a distant, faint noise, so very far he isn't even sure it is a voice. The light is softer now. It is warm and welcoming. He wants to go toward it, but at the same time he'd like to understand what the voice tells him. He doesn't know if it has been seconds or hours, time seems to have stopped. "Sebastian ?" He tries again. But this time, he is startled and jumps. "Kimi." He turns to the voice. A man is standing in the light. His man. "Sebastian ?" The man walks towards him. He extends his hand and Kimi takes it. It's warm and soft. He still doesn't understand, but at least he is not alone anymore. He knows it isn't Sebastian. Despite holding his hand, he doesn't feel better, he doesn't feel complete and peaceful. It is an ersatz of Sebastian. Just a copy his mind made._

When Paula enters the room this time, she sees that Sebastian had started crying again. She is pained to see him like this. She knows something happened, because he doesn't even notice she is here. She puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but that doesn't help him. He is inconsolable. "Please." She begs, insisting on the fact that he needs to go home more often. "You have to change air". Kimi's mother is tough, she knows what to do. The German listens to her piece of advice and heads home for a few days. This apartment is empty without Kimi. Everything makes him think about his lover. He spends his night crying himself to sleep. When he is back at the hospital, he knows he is having a mental block again. No more tears, no more red eyes. Only agonising pain and sleepless nights.

 

                _"No. You are not dead yet." Kimi sighs. He looks so much like Sebastian. He is the Sebastian he created for himself. "Yet ?" It doesn't make sense. "If you go with me, you will be free." Kimi bites his lip. He wants to kiss him and tell him how much he misses him. What will he be free from ? "Everything." Sebastian answers as if he read his mind. The Finn asks about the voice. "Don't listen to it." "Who is it ?" "Me." Kimi feels his heart accelerate. "I am sorry. You can't reach it." Kimi says he wants to try. "You are too damaged." He  wants to try._

 

                "Do you think he hears me ?" Matti looks at Sebastian caressing his son's hair. His wife answers him that he probably does. The Finn has never been one for feelings, but he sees Sebastian caving. He knows he is becoming an empty shell. He should tell him, but he doesn't feel like telling him. He doesn't want to see disappear the last spark of hope he has. The last spark of hope they all have. He asks himself how would he be if Paula was the one in coma. He would be exactly like Sebastian is; devastated.

 

                _He was right. He is too injured. He tried to run to the voice, but it didn't get any closer. He ran and ran and ran, but nothing changed. His version of Sebastian is waiting for him. "Come with me." Kimi doesn't understand everything and he feels something is wrong. He wants to go the other way. He wants to be with the real Sebastian. He doesn't know if he will be able to again. His voice seems to be further and further with time. How many minutes had passed ? Or is it hours ? Days ? Months ? He is lost. He is tired._

                The German never felt so helpless. He is almost giving up. He is losing hope. He pushed the idea of losing Kimi far from him, but it's seeping in slowly now. "What if he never comes back ?" His voice is weary. Kimi's parents knew it would happen one day or another. Something broke into Sebastian, maybe patience, maybe hope, maybe strength, and now is he starting to collapse. "Maybe he wants us to let him go." He closes his eyes to hold back his tears. He can't take it anymore. "Would you let him go ?" He turns to his parents. "Does he want me to let him go ?" He whispers, holding his hand in front of his face to admire the beautiful engagement ring he gave him.

 

                _Kimi's hand slowly slides into Sebastian's. He made his choice. He knows it can't be helped, no matter how hard he tries. He is leaving. "This is how it ends, right ?" He asks. The copy of Sebastian nods. Kimi is dying. He chose to die. The dancer is slowly dragging him into the light, and suddenly the voice is clear. "I love you." Two silent teardrops roll down his cheeks as he closes his eyes in pained bliss. It his definitely him. "I love you too Sebastian." His heart hurts more than it ever did before. "Forever." He won't see him ever again._

                He watches the peaceful face as he says those words, still hoping deep inside for a reaction. A single tear escapes Kimi's eye. The regular beeping of the monitor becomes a constant noise and the regular shape of his heartbeats a single line. A pained whine comes from Sebastian, and he is breaking down. He sobs heavily as his heart is torn from his chest. Kimi is gone. _"Forever."_

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything, and everything that is written in this is fiction.


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